Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize