I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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