i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
