i think my mom watched the whole time
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
