he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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