i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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