my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
