Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
