Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
