I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Randomize
