I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
