Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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