Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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