Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
