Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
