this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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