I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
