Your tits are I can't wait for
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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