First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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