I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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