Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
