If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
