I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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