I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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