What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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