I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
