my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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