He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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