if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
