I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Randomize
