the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
