Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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