On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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