Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
