You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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