i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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