i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
