just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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