Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
