Fine. I'll sleep in my office
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
