why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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