and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Sorry about my life...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
