I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
