So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
