I wish they made helmets for livers.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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