Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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