you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
she told me i tasted like america
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
