I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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