apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
