why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize