Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
