i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize