Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
