if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
