I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
there was a trapeze. enough said
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
