I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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