just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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