his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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